Arg, I don’t know, I don’t know what to say…. Blah. Blah, write, write, write….
My neck is much better. Reflexology’d myself real good last night. There’s a post (for ST) in that…Emerengcy Neck Spasms: What to Do.
How do you people live, not knowing how to tweak your bodies whenever something sucks?
Today was beautiful in many ways. Painful, scary, yes. And. All of the processing paid off; had an excellent meeting and I know I will be able to make the correct decision in the correct way. And, I already did make a decision, the correct one in the correct way. The most important one–rest is gravy. Thank you, blog, for helping me see the pattern.
It’s really all about approach….am I coming from old, outdated patterns based on deeply embedded unconscious beliefs about scarcity and lack? Or can I make this decision from a place of…plenty, trust, creativity, presence?
So, praise. And, of course, my neck is mostly fine now that I’ve made the decision (sheer, sweet relief) to come from the latter…and also to deal with the original, scary Incident in a non-running away, la la la, can’t hear you, victim-y sort of way.
F&^%$#@! communication. I knew that the path of presence and authenticity and integrity would mean more of these….rough communication moments—or really, rough scary moments leading up to the communication, which usually, with the proper preparation isn’t that terrible/often quite rewarding… Or at least healthier, better than it would be without preparation and presence, or if it hadn’t/doesn’t happen at all.
I haven’t made the phone calls yet, you know. John made some excellent points, friends made excellent points. So, yes, fun phone times in the future.
Just in time for my cycle, wheeeeeeee. Because trigger sensitive crying is exactly what the situation calls for.
Anywho, after my meeting, which was right by my Austin bestie’s home, I called her up and lo, she was free for chats. So I got to connect with her, and get some puppy love which was just what I needed. That, followed by good food, and another afternoon in bed.
I’m pretty much over the plague, but holy sh&t are my energy reserves low. Craving sugar, which sucks bc there are still molasses cookies in the fridge, part of the original problem, which means to me, in addition to emotional stuff, and PMS, that the bad bacteria or whatever it was that made me sick is dying off, which = intense cravings for food that will give it power, mwhahaha.
So, I compromised on rice with teriyaki….and crimini mushrooms and garlic, yum, but I still may make some cookies tonight after this post.
Maybe I’ll netti pot as penance.
The highlight of my day was a sign from Horse.
I’ve been re-reading my favorite magic book* for my own, personal use and for prep for Magic 101 and 102 courses that I would like to create….and who knows, gentle wishes on those counts. Anyways, I just finished the animal allies section and felt some serious resonance with Horse.
Horse offers vitality and stamina and is especially appropriate for when you are almost reaching a goal, but fall short. This is totally where I’m at right now. I’ve been trying to start a Practice in some shape or form for ages and while the time is right, I also, as you may have noticed, need some more Juice, so to speak. So, in addition to Spider, who’s made a graceful re-entry into my life**, I’ve been seriously contemplating working with Horse.
I remembered, during one of the exercises in Barbara Sher’s Wishcraft*** (which isn’t about Magic, power, but about what your core dream/purpose is and the nuts and bolts process of making it a reality, because it is necessary.), how much I loved horses when I was younger, but then I purposefully cut myself off from that love when I realized how….hard it would be to actually have a pony, and so you know, I cut myself off from my love/desire for a horse because it hurt too much to feel it and be denied. Or really, to feel myself denying myself.
Anyways. My coffee was handed to me in a horse mug this morning. (There are no coincidences.)(IMNHO)****
PS-Speaking of magical allies, have I mentioned that I love my kitties? I so love that they are lap/snuggle kitties. Oh, so lovely! And so soft. Oh, my beautiful, precious darlings!
*I am a practitioner. Long story. And life is beautiful. Oh, and it’s Pure Magic by Judika Illes.
**Spider is, and has been, my primary (that I’m aware of) magical ally, or totem animal. Guess what? LONG STORY. I don’t really want, or feel comfortable with the more in-depth relationships that Alliances bring , and am right now, choosing to use most magical resources as tools, but Spider…
Spider chose me as a child and has made it’s presence known quite insistently. Quite literally, it won’t stop helping me. ….I was very angry with Spider last year^, and started killing the house spiders more often than not (I’ve always been super careful and released them outside as much I could), and allowed, for the first time in years, for chemicals to be sprayed in and around my house. The bugs were out of control, I didn’t feel like I could afford chem free bug care, and my landlords were paying for a regular service.
Spider went silent, and as I picked up my book, I was worried that I had offended beyond repair. I still don’t know how to make amends, but my apology seems to have been heard, and Spider has carefully crossed my threshold again. I don’t think we’re totally OK yet, but It’s back.
I’m thinking some kind of offering to apologize for being mean and killing housespiders….maybe release some crickets into my back yard? No more chemicals, no more intentional killing, unless my safety, or my family’s safety is at risk. Also, maybe some more container plants that make good host homes for yummy insects? I want to do a butterfly garden at some point…may double purpose.
I also think I need a tattoo of a spider at some point. *sigh* I’ve avoided tats for so long, but Spider… that’s an important relationship to me….thought It has already left Its mark. Three serious bites. Two scars have faded; well, one faded, one’s been obscured by stretch marks and one is still huge and there. The scar, not the bite.
Maybe a beautiful Spider image? I’m seeing some kind of spider statue…made out of gray something. And/or a painting?
^Projecting. Who would have thought? Me? Project. I can be such a bitch sometimes.
***From the introduction:
“…there is nothing frivolous or superficial about what you want. It isn’t a luxury that can wait until you’ve taken care of all the “serious” business of life. It’s a necessity. What you want is what you need. Your dearest wish comes straight from your core, loaded with vital information about who you are and who you can become. You’ve got to cherish it. You’ve got to respect it. Above all, you’ve got to have it.”
And, “That’s what wishing plus technique can do: it can change reality.”
Which, really, what else is that but magic?