I almost had a HEART ATTACK; hell for Highly Sensitive Introverts with social anxiety

Holy frigging monkey balls. I’ve been working over at Sensible Toolbox* and doing pretty well editing the intro to a series on brain yoga. So, I’m mostly done and super excited to preview the post, especially because of the footnote plugin.

Wp.com does not have a footnote plugin. I am so sorry. I know that scrolling manually through footnotes is SUPER ANNOYING because that is the style of my favorite blog that I am copying here because I’m not ready to pay for fancy hosting for what is a therapeutic, fluff exercise, not a business. (though, who knows–I reserve all rights to monetize in a cool, loving way.) I adapted because Robin’s writing is worth it.

So, in all seriousness, I’ve been DREAMING about writing on Sensible Toolbox because, FOOTNOTES. *she salivates* They were THE WHOLE FRIGGING POINT of paying for hosting. (Happy birthday to me…thanks babe!)

And guess what. When I previewed my otherwise lovely post?

NO GOD&^%$ F&^%$#@ SKEGGING FOOTNOTES.

Ok. Breathe, Melissa. WP.org’s support forums are renowned for being incredibly helpful.

Um. WELL MAYBE IF YOU’VE ALREADY FIGURED OUT HOW TO USE THEM.

The intro post on “how to post in our forums so we don’t hate you and spit upon your screen name and/or chuckle to ourselves at your INEPTITUDE” included OVER A DOZEN LINKS.

I’m sorry, I’m on a time limit. Not to mention my rapidly depleting reservoir of energy for new and/or challenging things.

I have to save some of that energy for tonight’s *gulp* school wide holiday sing along. 

Many hundreds of kids and grown ups. Crammed into the cafeteria because it is COLD AND WET outside. Not enough seating. All of the kids super hyped up and SCREAMING. No booze. Small talk.

I duck out of as much of the school stuff** as I can, but David loves to sing and preform, and you know, this is the sh&t that sends kids to therapy right? My parents missed/didn’t take me to X performance/event…. Lucky John. He gets to go bartend for the whole evening. Bastard.

Ye goddess, hell awaits me…

PS–I managed to fix the problem (THANK YOU SWEET BABY JESUS) by simply closing down all of the multiple windows of Sensible Toolbox I had open. Thank god I didn’t take the time to figure out how to post for such a simple, stupid solve. *bangs head against table*

PPS–Um, ok, no sing along. Apparently David is now “shy”. ? When did this happen? Sure doesn’t stop him on the playground….

————————–

*Which, YAY ME. 1/3 of the way done with my to do list! My list of strategies to take the PANICKING THE F&*% OUT edge off is working!^ Of course there’s still two more thirds to go…. Good thing I don’t have anything, you know, terrifyingly stressful tonight…. *whimper* And you know, it’s not like I’ve given up my favorite coping/reward mechs or anything.

I GUESS I’LL JUST TAKE DEEP BREATHS, A HOT BATH, AND READ A BOOK LIKE A BORING, DUMB HEALTHY PERSON.

^ 1. Shiva natas and meditation...which, INTERESTINGLY, hasn’t been enough on it’s own. I am not used to SN not fixing everything like magic. Annoying.

2. Not drinking a ton of coffee. This is sad, because I love coffee, but the gross feeling factor is definitely starting to outweigh the pleasure factor, and I am DETERMINED to keep, at the very least, OCCASIONAL coffee drinking on my list of tolerably ok activities, so yes. Syrupy thick Early Grey it is.

3. Exiting/Entry rituals + other rituals like sitting at my altar^ and lighting a bunch of candles. Candles just make everything better.

^What, I can be a pagan and a Christian-y too. My altar is pretty….there are a lot of rocks. And a beautiful singing bowl tuned to the heart chakra, which I think is ‘f’.

4. Chickening^ a to-do list…. a REASONABLE TO DO LIST BASED ON MY PRE-DETERMINED THROUGH BLOOD, SWEAT, JOURNALING, SHIVA/MEDITATING, AND TEARS STRUCTURE of 2-3 hours a day, or 2000 words for A, 2500 words for B and editing. Anyways, having the list to refer back too, even though it’s super short and simple, is really helping. Something about it being on ‘paper’ and not just in my head, you know?

^Chickening… a made up verb based on a Havi word for ‘Check-in’, but also a sort of to-do list? I’m not sure. It sure sums up how I feel about my to-do lists: f*&^%$ terrified.

5. Reading Barbara Sher’s Wishcraft (it’s a FREE download–amazed, so blessed) and crying through lunch has helped through inspiration and release.

6. Breathing, especially that pesky exhale, and softening all of the tense muscles when DISTRACTION urges strike. Facebook? Email? Litterbox? Snack? Nap? Check the mail? Clean the kitchen? Fresh pot of tea? *breathe, long exhale, wiggle jaw, shoulders, ahhh* Technically this blog right now is a distraction…but god, WP.org was soooooooo irritating, I needed to pause. Paws!

7. Setting a Timer. I am not married to the timer, and it’s hard to stop when I’m in a flow, BUT, you know, this is the material world with limits on things like freaking time and freaking energy and it’s good to have a place to pick up again tomorrow.

**I am SO GRATEFUL my son goes to such an excellent, artistic, community minded school. Doesn’t change the fact that, for me, these large, LOUD social events leave me feeling like I’ve just been beaten all over with pillowcases full of bricks. After running a marathon through a desert. *whimper* My kidney/kingdom for a nanny…

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