For his pre-bed game* David wanted to play ‘Dreidal’. After the first spin, he informs me solemnly that, “Mom, this might be a long game.” Little sneaker. There’s a reason why Jenga is my favorite pre-bed game….what? Oops, I loose, darn.
I never said there wasn’t progress left to be made on this whole Parenting line of development.**
In fact, the result of this past weekend, which has only highlighted my very bad attitude towards parenting*** (which, well, there are other factors, some of which I have some control over…like my hormones and my liver.) was a neat little epiphany around how David represents everything that’s wrong in the world.
Ok. You know, tired? Like, four hours of sleep and FULL DAY. Two clients. Up at 5:30. That kind of tired.
What I mean. So, the State of the World saddens and infuriates me always. I am consciously choosing to do what I need to do to stay in connection with Reality, because, holy Jesus, it is hard. The oceans. The dying children. The scores of people without basic necessities? The Drones my government is using to kill people? All of these facts plus how….helpless and powerless I feel is enough to make me want to drink myself under the table all day long.
(I am a lightweight, so this is probably a bad worst case scenario plan.)
I Have a Plan…which is basically: get strong and stable enough to do Serious Work in some service related way, while running a business that also helps people get Stable, Conscious and Strong, so that we can all band together and overgrow the current effing system.
Short term–my kid represents…. All of the Need Out there that howls at my every cell. Mother Earth crying out, going numb and dark in places….
I won’t diminish my potential ability to help enact Real Change in my beautiful, torn, wounded world, but that kind of change is a Long Game.
Right now, today, I’m doing the pieces of the long game by being here. By healing. By growing and making progress on my goals.
Short term… and really, even longer term than me, myself, is my kid. He needs me. And it feels like fucking shit.
But this is the work before me; process, deal, truly LOVE both of us by showing up and being present and attuned to him as best I can.
I do this, btw, through radical support and self love****, not through “work harder you evil slut!” inner mantras.
I am though. Not evil, unless the aliens or the angels hold my lack of action to be action… but a slut. Technically speaking, I have a historically difficult time keeping my room clean.
And currently, socially speaking, I love sex and I’m setting up my life so that I can have as much fulfilling, honest, Loving, healthy, hot sex as possible.
You know what? My orgasms are part of what will save this world.
*I try. At this parenting thing. I really do. I know I whine and bitch about how much it sucks and how hard it is for me, all of which: true, but I am doing my best, and hopefully it might actually get close.
** http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ken_Wilber. Long and short: Every learned thing in life can be measured on a vertical line of development. Bach had a very high musical line of development. David’s Lego line of development is higher than mine, but my emotional intelligence line…ha, is probably about the same. A common example: a person with a high spiritual line of development, say a guru or a pastor, may have not be as developed in other lines, like say, ethics or sexuality. My parenting line of development is something I practice at growing. Every goddamn day. Some more than others, it’s true.
I make no claims at being a good person. The illusion is sometimes necessary for my mental stability, but deep down I know that I’m very, very human. Thank god.
***I can’t start on my thoughts on the culture’s view of parenting. Too tired. Short version: SNARL.
****Time alone. I do my best to “have a life” as much as possible, which isn’t enough, but may be better than nothing. Yoga. Meditation. Therapy. Therapy. THERAPY. Journaling. Praying. Walking. Letting myself have all of my feelings. Healthy food, most of the time. Good sleep, as much as I can, as often as I can. Shiva Nata. Magic. Having the best partner in the whole wide world helps.
PS–happy New Moon.