I woke up to an urgent text from my mother*.
I wasn’t sure if I necessarily agreed with my mom that it was urgent; so I grumbled my way through enough morning prep to be coherent and then, to my dismay, it was urgent—-
*Pause* This post is being interrupted by J texting that he is off work…. ‘Scuse me.**
but also complicated.
I don’t want to get into it, because everything may not be ok and this isn’t the place. I want this place to be girlfriends gathering for cocktails….but it’s more Official Cocktail Party with neighbors and the cool moms from school, who you like immensely but don’t know very well, rather than the two closest girlfriends, a bottle of wine and a box of tissues, which is what it would need to be to get into it.
So I did yoga, put off my morning pages, had family time, washed my hair, went grocery shopping, talked to my globe trotting sister, hugged my neighbor, baked two pizza’s from scratch (thus taking care of “yummy lunch for Sunday” on my list***), played with David, cleaned the kitchen entirely, watched Pacific Rim, emotionally recovered from Pacific Rim, played some Jenga, put David to bed, made noodles****, did dishes, made tea, sat down to write this blog…and you’ve been part of the picture since then.
I think I will go do some more yoga.***** Drink this tea. Maybe curl up on the couch with my head in John’s lap.******
*I love my parents. I have issues….around my parents. I would say “with”, but I am practicing amazing boundaries.^
^Comparatively speaking. Does anyone ever really get to have amazing boundaries? Does it ever get easy?
**I figure, you know, feet on hot bricks, real time narrative…. This is a piece of what it’s like to have a partner work opposite your schedule. And to share a car.
***I don’t actually have a list…I am allergic to To-Do lists.
****Scrambled one egg with dashes of soy sauce and siracha. Set in serving bowl. Wash frying pan. Saute chopped garlic, about a TBS, which is a lot of YUMMY garlic, in olive oil until crispy, or in this particular case, slightly burned, although that is not the objective. Set in serving bowl. Saute 2 TBS of chopped onion in a teaspoon of butter until brown and caramel-y. Set in serving bowl. Add more olive oil and the rest of your partner’s cooked spaghetti that they were planning on eating that night after work (did not realize that was his plan….it would have been foiled anyways, because I ate the rest of his sauce last night. It was just sitting there and my husband is not known in this household for eating leftovers. So, you know, thank god for the excellent pizza laying around…you know, it just magically appeared. Wait, no it didn’t–the whole process took four hours.^), saute until hot. Slice half an avocado, add to serving bowl. Slice limes, squeeze to taste. Add hot noodles to bowl of egg, onion, garlic and avocado….stir, top with siracha, soy and lime to taste.
Yum. Perfect for replacing all of the calories Pacific Rim burned up. Biting my nails and jumping takes a lot of energy.
^with reference to an earlier blog post, this is a great example how, despite doing The Right Thing, or at the very least A Good Thing, or at the VERY least, A Not Terrible Thing, how I can feel guilty and awful and just plain wrong about ANYTHING, and it’s usually worse (which is just so fucking counter-OBVIOUS and crazy making that I just want to freaking SCREAM.) when I’m doing something positive. I mean, I spent an afternoon with my kid cooking a healthy, affordable, sensible meal. He helped, we talked, we watched a movie and we played a game….and here I am, feeling like the worst mother/person ever. (I think that I should have better, more time efficient systems, that I shouldn’t spend so much money on food, I feel guilty for having a nice mixer and a warm house and a running car and clean water, because so many, many people don’t.)
And can I just say that saying “oh that’s silly, don’t feel x” DOES THE OPPOSITE of help. Truth/reality and feelings don’t often have a lot in common and dismissing feelings because they don’t line up with reality, much less some outside party’s opinion/perspective of reality does harm, because it can cause seperation. It separates you from the person you’re trying (?) to help at the least…at most it may trigger seperation within that person because your comment tells them that they shouldn’t be experiencing something that they are experiencing in that moment, thus they cast a piece of themselves into the shadow, triggered by the toxin shame and the idea that some part of themselves isn’t good enough or worthy of experiencing and being noticed.
Listening without judging, trying to reach a place of empathy and noticing, while taking care of yourself and the feelings/reactions bubbling up in you, as you listen-not try to fix, or comfort, or talk about yourself-that does someone good.
As the Taoists say, “Don’t just do something, stand there.”
*****Because coping skills.
******This whole opposite/weekend schedule…it’s like this not fun game where I balance enough rest, errands, socializing, energy/overall mood, productivity with the health and well being of my relationship. It’s like: Do I want to be cranky because my sleep schedule is off, or do I want to be cranky because I haven’t seen, held, or talked to my husband in 24, 36, 48 hours? And after we hit the 36 hour mark of not connecting, then things get complicated, which can tend to blow up my Sunday/Monday/Tuesday…..
So you know, balance. In all things. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
PS–at least I had on a fun/nice/happy making outfit. I LOVE this skirt, it’s warm and PURPLE and you can’t see it in the picture, but the sleeves are bell shaped, which just fit with the flouncy-ness of the skirt. It hits right below the knees and pairs perfectly with my go-to black heels. Plus, the high waist helps keep cat hair off the light pink top…