I don’t want you to get the impression that this will always be a happy place. Most of the draft blogs I’ve started* are well, scary in the sense that they’re all angry and mean. Or honest. *sigh*
However. But. (Butts!) I’m made up of lots of parts and while my training is to focus on the sad/bad/scary, I want to, am trying to train myself to….not eclipse the good parts too, to possibly create internal mechanisms that see the good.
I’ve realized something over the years as I’ve reached goals and accomplished things. The shape of my thoughts, of my dominate patterns is the same, no matter the circumstances. If I’m sad about X, and then I shift or change so that X is solved—my pattern is to search for the bad/sad/scary and, most of all, to JUDGE myself.
Which is a distortion of the truth. My thought pattern distorts reality, giving me a false impression of What’s Actually Going On.**
Thus, a good things post. Things that made me happy today, things I’m excited about, things I accomplished that I’m proud/glad about–despite, of course, falling short of my plan/goals for the day.
I suppose it’s a risk that I could be overtaken by a pollyanna-esque hyper positivity***—oh, wait, haha. I suppose the greater risk is denial/illusion, and since this list is based in reality with a goal of landing in the balanced, middle ground…where I can see accurately, that’s probably the monsters talking. Because from there, or so the logic train goes, I can make the best decisions possible.
Good things: A list
1. It’s cold and RAINING. I feel this deep sense of inner calm, joy and rightness when it rains. I don’t know if this is because or despite living in the SW.
2. Nailed my morning routine. David was up early enough to have time to play before school, he ate a nutritious homemade breakfast and left for school singing. *YES*
3. Morning pages happened.
4. Made it to the tail end of friday prayer group. Yes, I was in my robe. Personally, I think that public pj’s BEFORE 8AM should be totally acceptable. Particularly if you are a freelancer who worked late into the evening the night before. So, good social points, saw some cool ladies. …..Oh, friday morning prayer group. That’s a looooooooong story.
5. Naps happened.
6. A couple yummy, if brief, moments connecting with John. He’s been working a lot….it’s hard staying connected on opposite schedules.
7. Several also yummy moments connecting with girlfriends over text today. One, we’ve been bff’s for, my god, MORE THAN TEN YEARS. The other, we’ve been friends for….3 years or so and have been coming back into connection and it is just so very sweet.
8. African food. AFRICAN FOOD.
9. Cuddles and movie time with David.
10. So many kitty cuddles. It’s just luxurious.
11. Black mango tea.
12. Hot bath. Of the immune boosting variety, so this also counts as super awesome self care and prevention of getting the sniffles.
13. Social plans tomorrow, yay!
14. Whatever the thing was that I forgot… I was very excited about it.
*So. Many. Drafts. SO MANY WORDS. Maybe I will write about this someday.
But, oh my GOD, the drafts of Missy Goes to War on my laptop are BRUTAL.
**YOU TERRIBLE EVIL FAILURE OF A BITCH^.
^did I say this was going to be a family friendly blog? Hmmm. Might need to re-visit that. Also, probably need to write about why I swear and why it means so goddamn much to me. Well, I don’t need to. But I want too. It’s a fun story. Short version–when I realized, truly realized that cussing wasn’t going to send me to an eternity burning in a lake of boiling lava, I was quite exhilarated.
***This is the monsters. They are concerned that if I stop paying attention to all of my mistakes that I will get all grandiose and high and mighty and fail even more spectacularly. Hey guys? I know this is scary and I know that you just want to protect me and keep me safe. Can you hear that this is about accuracy, truth and balance? Because I think that coming from those places, rather than the shredding, heartbreaking self loathing and negativity will help me/us far more in the long run. But, if writing this list about things I’m happy about doesn’t help me, we can try something different. No, we can’t go back to the self deprication all of the time, because it’s hurting me.
Setting boundaries with monsters. Yeesh. They are more yowly than my cat, and I haven’t figured out an inner, non-violent squirt bottle system. What works so far is firm “no, this is how it’s going to be.”. Also, Havi’s Monster Coloring Book strategies are soooooo awesome and helpful.
I mean, god, even now, the monsters are howling about how terrible this blog post is and how SAD I’ll be when I realize HOW MUCH EVERYONE HATES ME. *sigh*
Seriously though, today felt like having a new special friend….crazy exciting, terrible attack of the shy’s.